Fixing a Broken Wheel
We are all broken. Some have just a dent in the fender; others need a whole new transmission.
We are dinged, bent, damaged, hurt, cracked, confused, crushed and cut to the quick.
Because life will sometimes do that to you - to me - to all of us.
It changes us. It challenges us. It tosses us into the deep dark waters during a violent tempest because we were meant to whirl with the waves and experience the storm.
And the storm changes us in ways we never would have imagined. It leaves us broken - in tiny or all-encompassing ways.
We often try to hide this. The broken pieces that reside within us. But people are smart. They see through our forced smile, our transparent armor, and they want to help.
They want to fix it. I’ve thought about this and I think it’s simply a part of human nature - to want to heal the hurts in others - to make everything okay. To fix them.
Thing is, there is no undoing what’s been done. There is no changing the dings and the scrapes and the collisions we’d had in life. They exist as sure as the sunrise and sunset, and they can’t be erased.
And they needn’t be. They shouldn’t be. Because our experiences, our past - good and bad - aren’t supposed to be overlooked, ignored or erased. They happened for a reason. And that reason - however cliche - made us the person we are today - scars and all.
But here’s something I’ve observed about scars and human nature and the troubles we all encounter in life: Sometimes I just want to talk about mine. Sometimes I want to unload. Sometimes it feels like a relief to talk about these things out loud. Maybe it lessens them. Maybe it makes them more real - or less real.
Maybe it just helps to share. But here’s the crux: sometimes sharing is all I want to do. I’m not necessarily looking for a fix, because there often is no fix, and I’m guessing when you share like this, you aren’t looking to be fixed, either.
We tend to listen with the intent of responding and that involves solving or fixing. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this, it’s just not what most people want or need.
We don’t necessarily want, much less need, a response. We need to be heard. We want someone to listen without judgement, but even as importantly, without providing solutions that we’ve most likely already thought of ourselves.
I guess I’m just thinking out loud here, because I’ve got as much to learn here as anyone else. I’m venting, if you will. And in that, I’m not looking for a quick fix from anyone. I am realizing I need to/want to be more mindful (not to mention silent) when others confide in me. I’m going to try to remember my own advice and not give unwarranted advice. (Or at least ask if my advice is wanted.)
Times of trouble can be very large and very lonely. It is during those times we aren’t necessarily looking for solutions or problem-solving. People confiding in us don’t always need ideas about new hobby suggestions, church locations or places to meet new people. Maybe they aren’t looking for any of that Maybe, instead they are looking (we all are looking) simply for an ear. Maybe they are looking for the opposite of a quick fix. Maybe what they need most is a silent, supportive friend who has no need to fix because they love us just as we are, cracks and all.
Wouldn’t that be awesome?
Jill Pertler is an award-winning syndicated columnist, published playwright and author. Don’t miss a slice; follow the Slices of Life page on Facebook.
