Talk About Grief
There has been a lot written about grief.
I’ve contributed my fair share, because it’s a topic I’ve lived up close and personal.
“Write what you know.” Some of the best advice ever given. “Even if you wish you didn’t know it.” That’s the rest of the advice no one ever includes.
So I write about what I know, and although I wish I didn’t know it, I have become somewhat of an expert on grief. I’ve even awarded myself a PhD (Personally hate Dying) in grief, but don’t tell anyone affiliated with a college or university.
Sometimes, I think this scares people - this speaking of and alluding to death.
(How morbid!) They say that most people’s number one fear is public speaking. Ha!
I beg to differ. We are, my friends, universally afraid of death - and not necessarily our own death, because many of us believe something better awaits us after this lifetime.
We are afraid of losing the people we love. We are so afraid we can’t even let ourselves think about the topic. I can’t and I’ve already found myself at the front of the line for the grief carousel.
Round and round it goes… But I still have more to lose and I don’t want to consider adding to the the already fulfilled portion of grief in my life. I don’t want to bring it into focus in any sense of my reality or thought processes. I don’t want to go there.
And I think that’s mostly okay. To worry about and put your focus on losing that which is most dear to you, does no good. It causes anxiety and stress and we all have too much of those things already.
I, for one, am seeking peace, not stress. But what, then, do we do with the people around us who have experienced a significant loss? Their existence serves as a reminder of what could happen to us. God-awful.
Grief is one of the most universal, the most real of the realities that we all will deal with at some time in our lifetime and yet it is one of the most universal topics we choose to avoid.
I never talked to my husband about one of us dying - not in the serious sense. We joked about caskets and cremation, but always with a jovial attitude. We were young; there wasn’t a need for such a difficult conversation.
And then he got sick and we still didn’t approach the topic. It was a brief illness, so to our defense, we didn’t have much time to process what was happening. We talked about him “beating it.” All our conversations centered around a future - when he got better. Even at the very end.
And then it was too late. In this, I suppose we were weak. Or at least in denial. For sure in denial. Or perhaps a better word choice might be hopeful.
Even today, I’m not sure. My best advice: Talk about it before it is relevant. Before time is short. Talk about the nitty gritty details that no one wants to face because if you don’t, you will regret it, because those details involve important decisions and you truly do not want to have to make them alone. You don’t want to guess.
None of us wants to consider grief, but just about all of us will experience it on a significant level at some point. You can never ready yourself for it, but you can ready yourself with information about your loved ones – about their wishes, their beliefs, their feelings, their vision of you going forward.
It’s not the most pleasant of conversations. I understand that. But consider the alternative, and then consider living that out with all the regrets it might include.
I think about that every day. So have the talk, please. Do it for me. Better yet, do it for someone you love.
Jill Pertler is an award-winning syndicated columnist, published playwright and author. Don’t miss a slice; follow the Slices of Life page on Facebook
