Toilet Paper Wars 2.0
Our country is in the midst of a monumental presidential election. I don’t have to tell you it’s been all-out war. But I put into the limelight a war much more intimate to every American. It’s a war we all deal with multiple times each day. It’s a war involving toilet paper. We all need toilet paper on a daily basis. When it isn’t on the shelves at the superstore, we all have reason to panic. Those Sears catalogs of lore don’t even exist anymore, so without toilet paper, we are all pretty much helpless and hapless.
No one wants to run out of toilet paper. But, never fear here! The experts tell us that 97% of our favorite butt paper is manufactured right here in the good old U.S.A. No need for importation. We’ve got it in our own tank, thank goodness.
Because of its overall importance, I’ve written about this topic before. Most recently in 2023 when I compared the cost per square inch of rolled butt-paper to facial tissue.
As it turns out, facial tissue is not meant for the derriere - or more specifically modern plumbing. Toilet paper is made to be flushed. Facial tissue is not. Therefore, my quest for the best continued - in the name of economics, and science of course.
My latest experiment involved four toilet paper options, each coming in at a different price point, as well as a different cushion point and comfort level.
Number one: The luxury brand in the super plush, super soft variety. You know the one, it sounds something like the name of a Disney prince, without the “g” at the end of his name.
Number two: The name-brand but not quite triple-ply cushioned goodness. Let’s just call this mid-luxury and say it isn’t southern (or western or eastern).
Number three: Store brand. It has a label and name resembling the luxury brand, with a price-point decidedly lower.
Number 4: the very generic, no brand, no name, which appears to be the most cost-effective choice on the shelves.
For the last month, I’ve been going, flushing, testing and doing the math. (You can thank me later.)
Here’s what I found out: Number one: The luxury brand cost about $1.25 per roll and lasted 2.5 days (for one user), coming to a total cost of 50 cents per day.
This brand was definitely the most comfortable of all options. You might even say it was squeezable, but you’d have to be a certain age to appreciate that reference.
Number two: The name-brand, mid-luxury type costs about $1.04 per roll and lasted 3.75 days, which equates to a cost of 29 cents per day.
This one was comfortable, but not on par with super-luxury. Still, it got the work done, if you catch my drift.
Number three: The store brand impersonating the high-end roll cost 83 cents per roll and lasted a whopping 4.25 days, for a grand total of 19.5 cents per day.
I think number three came in close - comfort-wise - to number two. Interchangeable, almost, but I do think number two (not to be confused with the other number two) was slightly superior to number three.
Finally, number four: The very generic cost $1 for four rolls, which lasted 3.5 days, for a cost of 29 cents per day.
Generic is generic for a reason. This paper was thinner than the rest and more prone to ripping. You needed more to do the same job.
There are the facts. They honestly surprised me. For all my life, I’ve gravitated to the high-end luxury brand because if my derriere doesn’t deserve it, what does?
I think I had a pretty good point, but if we are focusing on price points, then other factors may come into play.
It may not be a first-world issue, but toilet paper is something we all use every day (due to the shortage of Sears catalogs and all) so take this information and use it to your advantage.
Or, do some research of your own. You know what they say: We’ve all got to go. May as well be informed in doing so. (I made that last part up on my own.)
Jill Pertler is an award-winning syndicated columnist, published playwright and author. Don’t miss a slice; follow the Slices of Life page on Facebook.
