Sometimes it’s good (and fun) to just be silly. I guess today is one of those days for me. So here goes. Words are weird: We all have that one friend who can only answer one question or address one topic per text. I’ve dubbed them a unitexter.
Those of us fluent in texting about multiple topics at once (with multiple people at once) however are textperts.
I’m just a simple Pert, no texting (or prefix) needed. If you are in a monogamous relationship, does that make it sexclusive?
If you are flustered and frustrated at the same time, would that make you flustrated?
If you are extraordinary, doesn’t that make you just really, really ordinary?
The blob of toothpaste on your brush has a name; it’s called a hurdle (no running or jumping required.)
The real name for a hashtag is octothorpe, and I octo know! Every day I make a to-do list, despite the fact that I try to be a minimalist. I guess that makes me a regulist, or perhaps a maxilist.
There is no “I” in team, but if you get creative with the letters, there is “me.” What’s in a name: What is French kissing called in France? What are fancy dishes called in China? French fries were invented in Belgium. (Go ahead, do the Google.) If a quiz is quizzical, what is a test? If olive oil is made from olives and coconut oil made from coconuts, what is baby oil made from?
Hamburgers contain no ham. Hot dogs contain no dog. Catsup contains no cats. A grasshopper (as in the cocktail) contains no bugs. Swedish meatballs contain no Swedes. Duck sauce has nothing to do with a duck.
Spam, however, does contain pork. Who decided to put body parts where they don’t technically belong? For instance, ears of corn, eye of the storm, hair of the dog, mouth of a river, head of cheese, foot of the mountain, nose dive, chest of drawers, fingerling lakes, toe jam, butt of a joke. Impossibilities and things that don’t exist: Froot Loops are zero percent fruit, and their different loopy colors are all the same flavor. (Disappointing on both counts, I know.)
It’s impossible to hum while pinching your nose. (I’ll pause here for a moment while you go ahead and try this for yourself. I sure did.)
Vegetables, in the world of botany, technically don’t exist. Tell that to your broccoli-loving grandma! Foods that we eat that grow underground - like carrots or beets – are actually roots. Foods that contain seeds inside their skins – like tomatoes or green beans – are actually fruits. Leafy foods like spinach are leaves. Broccoli is a flower. Peas are seeds. Asparagus and celery are stems.
The takeaway? Eat your flowers, eat your stems and make your grandma proud! To sum it up: I try to make it a habit to laugh - really laugh - every day because silly and weird should definitely be a part of life. They simply makes things more fun, and if we can’t make it fun, what’s it all about, anyway? Smile. Laugh. Enjoy. Repeat. And, always, always eat your vegetables, even if they don’t botanically exist.
Jill Pertler is an award-winning syndicated columnist, published playwright and author. Don’t miss a slice; follow the Slices of Life page on Facebook.
